It’s Official

It’s a measure of how distracted I am, that I thought I already posted something about this.

One of my “team members” phoned me Monday at work about 4pm and gave me the official results of the biopsy. Yep, Cancer, and it’s in the lymph nodes. I’ll find out what they want to do to me and when, maybe this afternoon. I already have two more appointments after that with more of my “team.”

Yesterday I had an MRI. I took one of the xanax the doc prescribed on Monday for it. It was kind of okay for the MRI, helped me not move around, but I don’t like it so I don’t think I’ll be taking the other ones. I don’t get why people take these on purpose for fun. It made me feel blank, and then just made me sleep the rest of the afternoon.

They have a therapeutic dog that that a lady brought around for people to pet in the waiting room. It was a corgi.

This is supposed to be about the worst time for me emotionally from what I’ve read. I can’t concentrate on work hardly at all which sucks cause it’s time for a bunch of annual hard stuff.

I emailed three of my bosses, and one of the few people here I like with the excuse that he’s involved in human resources. I heard back from him right away. I heard back from my “foster boss” the next day. The “big cheese” and my real boss have not given any indication they received the email.

I have a friend who works in a closely associated department who I didn’t tell about this because I was hoping it would just go away. Now she’s on vacation. I don’t want to ruin her vacation, I don’t want her to get it in email from someone else, so I asked that it not be passed around. So I can’t really talk to anyone about it.

I did tell one classmate in each of the classes I had so far, and my mom, my brother her son, and one of my half brothers via email. My half bro is on vacation in Vegas and I expect to see him at my door 5 hours after he gets that email.

I’m giving too many clues to my whereabouts these days but what the hell.

I’ve been feeling nauseous every day for months due to work stress and now this. Makes it hard to get to work in the morning. God knows how I’ll get through chemo. Maybe I’ll lose some weight?

Ugh

Thanks for all your support. I’m such a geek that it really really helps to have strangers on the internet on my side.

I already hated telephones

I got an unexpected message to call some radiologist. I had to leave him voice mail and wait. I did some deep breathing. I did 2 minutes of work in an hour.

He phoned back and said he was to schedule me for a biopsy. I said “another one?” He mentioned the word aspiration which I hadn’t heard before so I thought maybe they do want another one. Maybe it’s something they can aspirate and it will go away.

Turns out that on Friday when they did an “add on” for the second biopsy they did, a duplicate order was created so um never mind.

But my hands are still shaking.

I’m gonna solve this whole problem with a heart attack or a stroke if they do that again. Either that or perfect my deep breathing technique.

Authentic Texas BBQ

That was lunch today for me and my ex-Texan boyfriend.

It was good and all, but they were playing Light Jazz.

As if.

We went to 5 BBQ places in 4 days in Texas, and not a one was playing Light Jazz.

Preliminary Diagnosis

The biopsy results won’t be in til next week and I’m scheduled for an MRI but the specialist I saw today thinks it’s cancer. She was really nice and touched me a lot in a very soothing manner. She said I’ll be okay when it’s all done with. Everyone said that. Everyone was really nice. I got hugs from two people.

I think it’s gonna be a bit of a pain in the ass for a while, though.

My Day Off Work

My mammogram was scheduled for 10:30, and my ultrasound was for 11:30, so I took the whole day off. I also had a Spanish test that night so I didn’t think I wanted to drive back and forth for two hours of work in the afternoon.

I showed up early, and they actually pulled me in for the mammogram early. The tech was very nice. We talked about my symptoms and then she started the squish.

Last time (the only time) I had a mammogram it was not that bad (about 1.5 years ago.) This time was much worse, maybe because they were aiming at a spot on top of my breast.

She took a picture, then moved me, and said “this might hurt more than the last one.” Okay, yes, it did. Then… then she moved me around, said merely “I’m sorry” and pushed a button. I said “…OW…” She told me she says she’s sorry all day long.

So then she said I could get dressed, and either sit in the regular lobby, or right outside in the hall, to wait for my ultrasound. I chose the hall and pulled out my Spanish notes. It was still about 45 minutes till my next appointment. I sat there and smiled unnaturally at everyone who went by, except for the men in hospital gowns who I avoided looking at. Several of the staff stopped by several times to make sure no one had forgotten me. They checked to make sure my paperwork was where it should be with a note saying where I was.

I didn’t know who I was waiting for exactly, just the ultrasound tech. There were lots of people going in and out of rooms. I saw the lady who turned out to be the ultrasound tech go in and out, and go get someone, and disappear back into a room for what seemed like a long time. It got to be about 15 minutes past my appointment time. The staff all seemed to think this was abnormal but I said I had the whole day off, and I smiled.

Finally I got one of the staff to cover for me while I went to the bathroom. When I came out she said “sure enough while you were in there…” but the tech said “no actually I’m not ready yet, I still have a patient and she hasn’t come back yet” (from where, I never found out.)

The other patient came back, the tech basically just told her she could go, and the tech went in the room. I waited outside politely to be invited in.

Time passed.

I glanced into the room sideways from where I sat, and noticed I could see a curly phone cord coming out from the wall. I listened carefully and realized the tech was on the phone. After a while I heard “I guess I’m just angry because…” and I didn’t get the rest. I thought oh Hell my tech is angry. At least it wasn’t the mammogram tech.

But when she finally called me in the first thing she said was “thank you for being so sweet” and she told me the patient before me had numerous problems and now she was an hour behind, and she never runs behind. She was very nice. We joked about the bead that the mammogram tech left on my breast to mark the spot, as she tried to scrape it off. It took a few tries.

After she started the ultrasound she didn’t say a word, and her face was very serious.

When she finished, she made it sound like she was going to show something to the doctor and then come back and tell me to leave. But she came back with a lady doctor that I don’t know.

This is where I have to remember, I already knew I had a ginormous lump when I went in there. They just saw it. They are now as worried as I already was, when I got there, which just totally freaks me out. Of course I don’t express this hardly at all.

The doctor told me she was going to call my doctor, and that he would probably tell me to schedule a follow up with the biopsy surgeon. But I already had one of those and I told them. She said she’d call my doctor anyway. I asked if I should call him later, she said yes, I neglected to do it.

Then of course today he called me and bumped up my appointment to tomorrow, which sent my blood pressure through the roof for about three hours. But I’m still trying to hope that it’s a cyst and the biopsy will drain it and it will be fixed.

panic

I had just calmed myself down (again) and was writing an amusing post about my long day in the waiting room. My doctor just phoned and told me he moved my appointment (not sure if it’s the actual biopsy it turns out) up from next Tuesday until tomorrow morning.

ack.

I’ll finish that other post… later…

Adrenaline Rush

I got a message to call the doctor’s assistant. I panicked, of course.

She was only phoning to say my cholesterol got better. Pretty good for ignoring the issue for a year!

My boyfriend talked to her about the scheduling of my tests and she’s leaving the doctor a message. If he reschedules me sooner, then I shall truly panic.

Your estimated worry time is 4 weeks

My mammogram/ultrasound is 4/22 and the biopsy is one week after that.

This is making it hard to plan the latter part of my school semester. I’m assuming I’ll be able to finish my classes. Drop day is 4/11 so I hope so.

This thing does seem like it came out of nowhere rather quickly, although I am often oblivious. I don’t look in the mirror much and I don’t do stuff I should like self exams or regular checkups.

But it seems quite possible it’s one of the many things I’ve read about on the internet that are not that bad. The thing is, I feel PMSed for the first time in a year or so. I forgot how it feels like I’m DYING…. oh poor pitiful me.

Menopause was fun. That’s when stuff really went south at work. I did do my share. It’s amazing how much incredible rudeness in email, to my boss, in “front of” other people on the mailing list, that I got away with. This is how I came to know they wouldn’t fire me or anyone else. But boss asked for it, and I think other people were living vicariously through me. He made so much work for other people just by being incoherent.

But he’s still there, he still gets paid the big bucks, and he still “works from home” by sending one email in a day and claiming to read stuff from Microsoft. No one wants to read stuff from Microsoft so they don’t bother him.

Yes I’m blithering. Um I did have another family thing I’ve been meaning to share, and it also relates to being oblivious about one’s body.

When I was growing up I always heard this story about a woman who was So Fat that she did not know she was pregnant until she had pains and then a baby came out. I always thought this was some 8th hand story that everyone knew. I was horrified when I grew up and my mom happened to mention it was her cousin.

So I can see how I might miss a lump for a few months. Oh well. I’m sure it will be fine and if not, well… I always wanted to try being bald for a while.

ugh

On March 23, after saying goodnight to my boyfriend (who was staying up a bit) but before going to bed, I happened to rest my hand on top of my right breast, and felt… something. Yes definitely something. What the HELL is that? Where did that come from? It’s the size of a shooter marble. Or bigger.

I thought back a couple of weeks to getting some signs of PMS for the first time in oh a year maybe (I did menopause with no doctors a few years ago) and hoped it was just that. I managed to get to sleep. I woke up and recalled it.

I spent the day at work checking it and rechecking it until it hurt. Pain is not a sign of cancer. I also looked up signs of cancer.

That evening I started to tell my boyfriend twice, changed my mind, and then finally did tell him. He didn’t freak out, was supportive and talked me out of postponing calling the doc for a week because of some stuff I have to do.

So I found it on a Sunday and called for an appointment on Tuesday. They offered me the following Tuesday. I put it off two days due to stuff I have to do. The lady said that was okay.

I was fine for a few days but I sort of fell apart this weekend thinking of how I finally have things I want to do in life, and worrying about what would happen to my boyfriend, if I turn out to be the 1 in 10 women who find lumps where the lump is cancer.

Cause this thing is huge

I’m gonna keep this as a draft for now, at least until after I see the doc. I’ll add to it and publish it later. Hopefully I’ll be adding “he said it was just PMS.”

—-

It’s now the night before I go to the doctor. It’s like driving around with your oil light on and trying not to panic.

—

Well I saw the doc. He did not say much. I’m to get a mammogram and ultrasound. He was sure enough that I’d then need a biopsy that he told me to walk across the hall and make an appointment. The ladies there said I had to wait until I at least had the appointment scheduled for the mammogram, because the biopsy (needle) doctor needs to see it.

I’m posting this now. Y’all are the first to hear after my boyfriend. Wish me luck please.