How one agnostic “prays”

Everyone talks about positive thinking. I’m all for it. One of my friends was really pushing hard on it the other day, talking about visualizing and making our own realities. So I was thinking the other morning and started giving instructions to my body.

“Okay, just find them and kill them. That’s what we have to do.”

Then I thought of energy being sent my way through prayers, etc. I say yes any time anyone offers prayer, I figure the positive energy has to be good.

“Yes, that’s what that’s for. Take that, and use it. Find them, and kill them. We’re gonna do this. We’re gonna do it.”

Etc. while stretching out my arms and feeling all new-agey.

2.5 minutes later I was thinking about telling someone the latest news, and I burst out crying. I can’t remember how but I started talking out loud and then I wondered to whom I was speaking. “Who Are You? and What do you Want? Just tell me who you are and what you want.” This continued in a similar vein and then I thought of some stuff that I wanted to do in the future, working with abused kids and I said, out loud “I was already gonna do that, you didn’t have to hurt me.”

Not sure where I’m going with this. Being an agnostic is harder than people think. I would really like to think someone or something was listening to me, like I thought when I was in high school. I was a “born again” and had a constant internal monologue.

It’s lonelier now.