Ya never know

I might beat this. The stuff on the scans might be something else. Or I might get hit by a bus tomorrow.

We’re going out to a nature preserve for live music this afternoon.

If I have only a limited time left, and don’t we all, I don’t want to spend it crying. ( more than an hour a day anyway :-p )

If it wasn’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all

I have a few “areas of concern”. A spot on my liver, which they will probably biopsy. A potential spot on a rib. Some concern about bone marrow. And some additional lymph nodes.

In shock. Short burst of anger. Somehow not altogether surprised….

Chemo is off til after the liver biopsy, as this will change things. If it’s spread to any of those places, it goes from “one battle, to a war” in her words. Also it goes from a potential cure to a lifetime fight.

Insert your favorite string of swear words here.

Wish me luck

Today I go see my main doctor and get the results of all the tests done lately. I’m nervous.

Tomorrow I start chemo. I can’t wait to get started.

How one agnostic “prays”

Everyone talks about positive thinking. I’m all for it. One of my friends was really pushing hard on it the other day, talking about visualizing and making our own realities. So I was thinking the other morning and started giving instructions to my body.

“Okay, just find them and kill them. That’s what we have to do.”

Then I thought of energy being sent my way through prayers, etc. I say yes any time anyone offers prayer, I figure the positive energy has to be good.

“Yes, that’s what that’s for. Take that, and use it. Find them, and kill them. We’re gonna do this. We’re gonna do it.”

Etc. while stretching out my arms and feeling all new-agey.

2.5 minutes later I was thinking about telling someone the latest news, and I burst out crying. I can’t remember how but I started talking out loud and then I wondered to whom I was speaking. “Who Are You? and What do you Want? Just tell me who you are and what you want.” This continued in a similar vein and then I thought of some stuff that I wanted to do in the future, working with abused kids and I said, out loud “I was already gonna do that, you didn’t have to hurt me.”

Not sure where I’m going with this. Being an agnostic is harder than people think. I would really like to think someone or something was listening to me, like I thought when I was in high school. I was a “born again” and had a constant internal monologue.

It’s lonelier now.

Giving out news

I can’t think of any other time I’ve had to tell people something like this about myself.

I sort of practiced here, then online in some forums, then with one person in each of my classes.

My friend who has been out of town has returned and I phoned her up. I was afraid she’d freak out, but she’s good, and has more positive stories to tell me about other folks who beat this. And she’s gonna help me out by telling some folks who work near her, and then send them over for hugs.

I feel better already.

Things that make me cry

After I found the lump, but before the mammogram, I went to the art museum for class. After the group tour I went back in, looked at the landscapes for another hour, and teared up every 7 minutes. The staff gave me a lot of space.

I have been obsessing over how to tell certain friends, and thinking of doing it makes me cry.

When we walked in to get an MRI the other morning, a man walking away had red eyes and seemed to be almost crying. That made me cry but I stopped it because we were in public.

Thinking of my boyfriend, if I leave him, makes me cry. This is my main motive for fighting, I cannot do that to him. Dammit. Just a second.

I will sit in my office for two hours every morning breathing deeply and attempting to focus and/or calm down. Then I will go on a break, get into the sunshine, cry for 130 seconds, and then feel better.

Whenever anyone is nice to me, it makes me cry, but only if they can’t see me do it.

I cry in the shower. I learned this when my mom was in intensive care for 6 weeks and I lived with her mother. I didn’t want to upset grandma so I cried in the shower. wtf.

Now I also cry on Sunday mornings in bed with my boyfriend holding me.

Bring it on, I’m ready

Chemo is first, then surgury, then radiation. That’s not official but pretty much the consensus so far. I have one more doctor to meet. Lots more tests. If it’s anywhere else chemo will help that too. Bring it on, I’m ready to start fighting this. Shrink it! Shrink it! Yeah!

Me: “When the puking starts, I’ll just pretend I’ve been drinking.”

My SO: “Yeah, and we’ll all gather around the firepit to watch.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s not like we haven’t done the puking before.”

SO: “Well at least your hair won’t get in the way.”

That was the best laugh I’ve had in weeks.

wow

Yesterday I told the guy in the office next to me about my problem. I like him and he’s very supportive.

Just now I had a bad moment. I saw a reference to 2009 and thought “I hope I’m still here then.” (A change from my previous attitude towards work, since I used to think “I hope they lay me off by then”.)

So I was gazing out the window and my neighbor walked in right then, put his hand on my shoulder and asked how I was doing. So I got a hug.

Amazing timing.