Bored Already, and Bald

Actually I’m back to being bored. Back to the way I felt before I decided to go back to school and learn to be a preschool teacher, and then take a paycut. Back when I felt like I was stuck in this job where nothing I do is very important, where no one cares if I’m there, but if I’m not there and someone happens to check, it’s like I committed a crime.

I am so stuck in this job, now. I’m thinking in a few years I might do some volunteer work with kids, maybe cut my hours on this job. But I need these benefits.

I came so close to quitting this job and having no benefits.

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I spent the weekend laying in the hammock, reading, and pulling out my hair. It looked bad, showers were a pain in the ass, and my hair hurt, so I shaved it off. It’s … interesting. My neck is cold, the scarf does not cover it. The boyfriend had a look and said “it’s still you.”

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The week after chemo I was too tired to be upset, I think. The week after that was like my emotions waking up, like a leg that has been asleep. Pins and needles. I thought a lot about dying and various painful futures. I had a few meltdowns.

This week, yeah just kind of bored with the whole thing.