Chemo 3
We had a fun time on Thursday night with a few friends. I hung out at home Friday while the boyfriend cleaned the kitchen and got tired, and thus we skipped friday’s party. I was fine with that. We could see fireworks from our kitchen though. Saturday we went to a slightly larger party and had a really good time. I talked to a lot of folks and got to hold a two month old who would not stop crying. For me this was a good thing although I wish I could have helped the poor thing more. (Actually she did not cry for the first 15 or 20 minutes that I had her, but then she needed a diaper but mom wanted to finish her hot dog. And I do believe I’ve still never changed a diaper or maybe I would have thought to ask.)
Sunday, the day before chemo 3, I was in a funk all day and could not shake it. I did read all of Running with Scissors in one day, mostly in the hammock.
Monday, today, I woke up cranky and whiny and all “I don’t WANNNA go” even though I didn’t really feel that way in my head. It was my inner child whining in my ear loudly. I shed about twelve tears. A similar thing happened last time but it was longer and more pathetic. It was turned around 180 degrees that time when the doctor said it was smaller and she was surprised and pleased.
This time she also cheered me up. It’s still shrinking. Also I asked her some long overdue questions and she told me in her own words that she would have done the same thing (take the aggressive chemo in spite of possible small spread) and that it would probably benefit me greatly even if it doesn’t totally knock it out.
All I have to do is hang on til they cure all cancer completely. I’m hoping that will be soon.
Oh yeah and she said my bloodwork was very good, like you could not tell they had even done anything to me.
I feel a bit nervous about going on about how well things are going.
Also my heart goes out to certain other bloggers, you know who you and they are, and their families. I’m learning a lot about grace from all of the blogs I am reading. I hope I never have to face such situations but thank you for sharing your wisdom.
After all I was raised by wolves, but it’s never too late to learn.
I’m here via Pamajama. Honey, please. I wake up cranky and whiny just because I want to sleep some more and I don’t want to get out of bed. That’s pathetic.
Your crankiness is totally right on. Good luck with your chemo, and I hope you kick cancer’s ass. My neighbor kicked BC and thyroid cancer. It wasn’t pretty, but it was worth it!
Thanks
The crankiness was getting on my own nerves. I felt really schizo, like telling myself to go sit in the corner or something. But I feel better today.
“After all I was raised by wolves, but it’s never too late to learn.”
This is, of course, my favorite line:)
I don’t know if “Running With Scissors” is the cheeriest thing to read when you’re feeling betwixt & between. Augh.
I’m thinking cranky like pushing someone off a building might be an appropriate level for your emotional turmoil. You’re doing so great, putting up with all this shit. I know there’s not much choice, but you still get credit for it anyway. Shrinkage is good, too, unless of course you’re George Costanza in an episode of Seinfeld. But then you don’t watch TV, do you?
xo
Ah, well, from 1988 through 1998 I watched ALL the TV. So yes, I’m familiar with George and the whole shrinkage issue. I watched so much TV, I taped 5-10 hours a week of soaps, and 5 hours a week of Letterman, and several prime time shows. I watched all of Family Ties, ER, and thirtysomething on syndication and in prime time. I had to buy new six packs of 6 hour tapes every week or so. I also watched all the stand up comedy there was, and that was a lot.
Reading depressing things and listening to depressing music when I’m depressed is one of my… tendencies. Probably not the best.
I seem to be doing pretty well, and some of the people I’ve been reading about in the internet make my heart sob. I feel lucky and I hope not to jinx it. That lady who wrote the cartoon book I just read, passed away, also. I like to know what to expect and thus surf obsessively and then I get scared half to death. Sigh…
I’m fascinated by the “all or nothing” television viewing schedule!
As for the depressing things, depressing music, depressing internet . . .
Dr. PJ prescribes: ice cream with sprinkles, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, grilled cheese, s’mores and then a dash of Cat Stevens played on a loop plus that red X button at the top of the computer screen that stops filling your brain with sadness. DON’T . DO . IT! There is nothing advantageous to reading about death & destruction while your own tumor continues to shrink. Positive thinking isn’t everything, but it’s definitely a part of “something.”
I watched this great commercial on Allison’s blog the other day – about all the wonder & beauty in the world – & I was like F ME, why do I focus on the s-it when there is a yin & yang to every piece? I have to find that link . . .
I know I suck, but I can’t even read those sad baby miscarriage blogs that fill me with angst — just like my daughter said to me the other day, “I feel bad for that boy, don’t you?” — And I replied, “No. It does him no good for me to feel bad & it makes my life worse.” Even 10 years ago I don’t think I would have looked at it in the same way. Definitely not 20.
Hmm, I’m lecturing, aren’t I? And talking out my ass. Oops. I’ve never had cancer, now have I?
Can I count the time my son had a basal cell on his back? No?
Yep, that wasn’t me either.
See, this is what happens when you write about being sad, it makes me crazy. I even take on other people’s feelings over the internet. I don’t even need video, I just visualize . . . my insanity is now complete:)
Here’s the link: http://trixfiend.wordpress.com/2008/06/29/six-months-of-meaningful-media/ Go to the very end & click on the commercial for the Discovery Channel. I think I may go watch it again. I can’t believe I put a 47-paragraph comment on your blog . . .
47 paragraphs of pure love.
Oh my god, that is a great video. Someone explain to me why Stephen Hawking saying “boom de yata” makes me tear up.
Hey, I’m glad things are going well so far.
And the “raised by wolves” cracked me up too!!
Thanks and thanks
Have a look at that video from Pamajama if you haven’t already. It’s a beautiful world and you’re a part of mine.
I wish you ignorance, and thank you for your kind words.
I wish I could do more…