Accidental blog stalking, and personal revelation
Do you ever click on those “possibly related posts”? I do, at the bottom of my own posts, sometimes. If it looks interesting I’ll go back if I remember. If I remember enough times and it stays interesting I might subscribe. If something seems appropriate I might comment and say how I found them.
Sometimes, they say something outrageous and I want to make an outrageous comment, and I hope they don’t think I’m too weird. So far so good… probably 
Sometimes though, they get really personal and I want to say something serious… and then I feel like a stalker. And then I want to explain how I got there. And in my head it starts to sound like I’m hijacking their blog and babbling about myself in a very boring way. And so I continue to lurk. Then it’s worse… “yeah I have been reading about your family life for a year and I think…”
Here’s an example. I clicked on a blog related to mine, I think, because it was about child care. There was a song on the internet radio that reminded me of something else about this person. That song was on a CD I bought used when I lived near where they live. This was enough to get my attention because I’m a fool for these coincidences.
Okay it seems pretty weak… yet I could explain that stuff without too much embarrassment… right?
Okay, well, here are the specifics then. The song and CD were by k.d. lang. I bought the CD used in Utah because 1) it seemed like I just had to and 2) it seemed like no one else would. (I didn’t actually like it that much, too many ballads, although seeing her live was one of my top ten concerts out of literally hundreds, and she was the opener.) This blogger happens to be gay.
Okay now it sounds like “some of my best friends are gay” right?
Well, not to sound like I’m changing the subject, but recently I was considering some political issue involving gay rights, and was thinking of myself as “friendly to their cause.” After way too long, I realized “hey wait a minute…. Oh yeah, I’m bi…”
It has not been an issue in so long I sort of forgot. (Well, it does come up when Bebe Neuwirth is involved. But that’s just fantasy.)
Okay now it sounds like I’m one of those wanna be posers right?
But here’s the thing…
I used to have sex with women. Now you know.
And thus I avoid coming out to the blogosphere in the comment section of someone else’s blog who never even heard of me. I cleared this with my boyfriend first. He’s okay with it and we do enjoy looking at the same pictures so that’s okay
Not password protecting this, cause there is nothing in here that I’m ashamed of.
Funerals
I have never been to a funeral of a relative. It was only about 9 years ago that I went to the first funeral of a person I’d known — a Catholic funeral of someone at my work, who I was very fond of and had known since 1982. Up until then I’d been to:
- the Irish Catholic wake of one of my boyfriend’s grandmother, who passed away as we were traveling so I could meet her at her party, and
- the Mormon funeral of the father (who I had never met) of Stinky’s friend (who I had met.)
When I was a child, my great-grandparents passed away, but my mother said I was too young to go to their funerals. The next family member that I know of who died, was my father’s father. He donated his body to medical science and as far as I know there was no funeral or other service. The same was true for my father. (It’s possible we were not invited because of the family secret (my half-brother) but I mentioned funerals to another half-brother, and he just said “yeah I guess our family is not much on funerals.”) When my father’s mother passed away, I swear no one even told me for weeks. My mother said she had but I don’t believe her. I don’t even know if there was a funeral.
When my mother’s mother died, my mother did not want to have a funeral. My grandmother had told her “when I die, tell everyone I went to Las Vegas”. She died suddenly. I didn’t even go visit my mom and brother right away. My grandmother’s ashes are in an urn in some mortuary I have never been to.
My mother’s father had been cut out of her life since she was 7 and passed away sometime before my grandmother. When my grandmother died, my mom started calling herself an orphan. She was in her 50s.
My mother had aunts and uncles. I assume they had funerals when they died. No one told me about them. I didn’t really know those people after I was about 13. I think my mom was embarrassed about her bad marriage.
I am an idiot.
I was sitting in the hammock relaxing… I picked up a nearby spade to just dig up a little not-quite-flat spot … next thing you know my hand hurts, I look, and I have a blister 
and I think I got a latex reaction from the last bandaid I used so I guess I’ll just put on this neosporin and wave my hand around. ARGH
UPDATE I don’t have a latex allergy. Turns out they are much worse. It seems the adhesive just tore my skin, which is more fragile “as you get older” as the chemo nurse said REPEATEDLY. This time she took the tape off slowly with an alcohol scrub (and my fingernails, since she was wearing gloves.) It didn’t even leave a bruise, let alone an abrasion. The stupid blister is getting better too.
My chemo nurse has a respiratory reaction to latex, which is much worse than a skin reaction. She says it is due to a lot of gloves being made in the early days of AIDS, of low quality, which leaked latex in to the air to sensitize people and cause reactions. Allegedly. But my hospital is almost latex free except for the colored bands they use after blood tests to hold on gauze.
Neuropathy
This is not a big deal, but I figured I should mention it for folks looking for info about side effects. I am finally getting some tingling in my hands. My left hand feels “stupid” when I try to pick up small objects.
I was expecting this around week 4/12 of Taxol/Herceptin. It didn’t start until about week 10/12. It just feels… weird. Not bad.
Not as bad
I think I might have had a bug last week. I feel a little better than I did then. My boyfriend says I seem to have more energy than I did. I even raked a little bit of weeds and dirt around this evening.
Last week I don’t think I ate enough food or drank enough water and that might be why I was so dizzy on Thursday.
Maybe I’m just cheered up because it’s almost over. I realized that after two more chemos, I get about a month to feel normal. Also the doctor claims I will feel better after surgery, and that radiation won’t be very bad.
Maybe I’m just psyching myself up because I have a need to go to the office in person soon. I might have my boyfriend drive me over in the afternoon tomorrow though, and just spend about an hour there.
In any case right now I feel… okay.
10 down, 2 to go, almost there!
I got to see the doctor before chemo today, that always cheers me up. She is *great*. She knew I was more tired and kind of depressed by it, just by hearing me greet her. She listened to me talk about it and said “well we *could* stop early” but I said “no I’m just whining” and she said she likes to whine too. Then she told me my numbers are great, I’m doing fine, we are almost there, and it will get better after surgery. And she was really nice. I just love her. Not to mention she is saving my frickin life eh??
Saved up all my energy but still don’t have any left.
I didn’t do yard work and saved up all my energy last week. I don’t know if it didn’t work or if I’d have felt even worse if I’d had some exercise. Tomorrow I have to go to work and Tuesday we start all over again. I doubt I’m making it in on Thursdays any more during this chemo. Three more.
We’re about to leave for a concert which is part of why I tried to save my energy. I should be able to sit upright for a couple hours. It’s not a real rocker of a show, more folky.
“I went back to Ohio”
I hooked up that free sitemeter. It doesn’t seem to synch up with the wordpress stats some how. But anyway I have been getting a lot of hits from Ohio and I don’t know who it is… I think it might be Joe the Plumber?!
Cumulative
Well, I was too dizzy and tired and out of it to drive to work today. I’ve not done any yard work lately. I feel generally worse, this week.
I’m glad I talked myself out of going, I would have felt even worse if I had.
I Instant Messaged one of the few people at work that I’m still speaking to and explained myself, and then he emailed my bosses. Yeah I’m a freak but he was willing to be my go-between.
But… only three more Taxol/Herceptin to go.
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