Winter, whining and work

I have depression issues. They are much better in the last five or so years, but I still have trouble in the winter. I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.

The first time I went to college, I went to a really hard college. Just take my word for it. Problem was, my high school really didn’t teach me what they said they did, so I didn’t do very well in any of my 4 core classes (maybe another blog in that one.) I did okay in P.E. (required for freshman), Lit, and an elective (I was insane and decided to take something for fun.)

So winter came along. I thought I was flunking out (so did everyone, it turns out).  I got depressed but didn’t realize it at the time. I talked to my mom and she was like “okay, do whatever you think is best” which is the most advice she has ever given me since I was 12. I looked at the thousands of dollars in loans already… I went to the counselor and said I wanted to take a leave. She was like “okay, bye, come back when you feel like it” and that was the end of that.

I got a series of crappy jobs, and partied at that college for 4 years until my class graduated.

Then I moved because of a man and enrolled in another college. For the next four years, every winter, that man talked me out of dropping out of school and I still am grateful. I didn’t see it as a pattern then, but he got me through it.

Unfortunately, he was also into “open relationships” and I went along with it. In another period of depression, I left him for another man.  My depression really killed that marriage. (Well, okay, and the way I felt when my husband tried to get me to leave bars with other people and not him. Another blog?)

Over the years I’ve quit 24 jobs. I suspect many of these were not as bad as I thought, it was just winter. I’d get mad at something in January, stew over it til March, get some energy and start job hunting, have a new job by June, enjoy it for a few months… repeat.

I started this blog one winter, to complain about my job, and my lack of friends.

[I had friends, I just never called them or accepted their invitations. I was already trying to change this, then my cancer diagnosis kicked me into "say yes whenever possible" mode for a while (in the summer, of course.) So I feel like they are my friends again. They still don't know me as well as some folks reading this do. I still may whine about them so I am still not telling them about this blog. Also, my job and my friends are interrelated in crazy ways so I don't want them to read that stuff either.]

Last year, I took classes at community college. Winter came as a welcome break between fall and spring semesters. Laying around doing nothing didn’t seem so bad and I had friends at school to look forward to in a few weeks.

This year… well, here I am, basically healthy except for some dry skin where they are irradiating me… and I’m in a worse mood than I was during the summer when I was on chemo, ached all over, and had to avoid germy places like movie theatres and other fun places.

ANYway. I’m basically fine. I spent yesterday at work trying to convey the message “I have no idea what to do here” through ESP and lack of action. My boss (my “real boss”) either didn’t notice and disappeared or did notice and disappeared. The customer received no reply. She’s been begging us to take her money since October. We were supposed to bill her last fiscal year.

While doing the above I also watched the Daily Show, and filled about 5 orders. Each order involves a customer number lookup and paste to another database, at least two part number lookups and paste to another database, today’s date inserted twice, 3 copy and pastes of  text fields from email or a unix window, some nonsense in a filler field, choose “yes” from a popup. Print two copies and mail them one. Send them passwords and stuff in email.

This entire process could and should and actually has been automated. Yes, most of the other places that use our vendor have each person use their store front. We charge our customers an extra fee to consolidate their orders and slow things down. Most of our customers probably think I’m a computer program and I encourage that belief by using very sterile canned messages. Because the database I use was created by DRUNK MONKEYS and I can’t help but make mistakes and I’m ashamed for anyone to know who I am.

When I first got this job I thought we *would* automate it, and then they would give me something else to do. I’d worked in that department before and I was not worried. However, my boss said “sure” while thinking “oh we’ll beat *that* out of her.” Never before has so much ego been invested in such a worthless empire. It turns out there is so little work I can do it all in a couple of hours, so why automate it? But I must sit at my desk and act busy.

Given the current economy I’ve stopped complaining about not having enough work. Actually I had already stopped complaining. When they gave me my “foster boss”, I learned that most of the rest of the department didn’t have enough work either, and they like it like that. (And many of them hate me now.) I ended up having to take flak from their customers as my new duty, so they had even less motivation to TURN THE DAMN THING ON AND SEE IF IT WORKS after you put in the damn board. Unfortunately I figured out too late that my foster boss is just another boss and just another one of them at the same time.

SO now he’s not speaking to me either, I don’t work with those guys anymore, and I have to be at my desk at 8am. One of the perks had been that no one paid attention to my hours, but foster boss has a busy body on his team. She used to make up reasons to look for me and then send email to people who didn’t need to know, with meaningless questions. (She sets off my Mary Hart Syndrome with her high-pitched voice that can be heard through a long maze of twisty offices and hallways.)

Also, I have a timed, coded door lock and she is the person who programs them and can download the data. Last February foster boss suddenly went from “you work 9:30 to 5:30 right?” to making me sign papers saying I worked 8-4:30. During that fight he said “don’t act like you’ve never had a job before” and instant messaged me “you sure know how to suck up a person’s time”. This from a boss I had not seen for months, and had just spent a total of less than an hour communicating with. Yes, I’ve had real jobs before, and this ain’t one of them. He was already yelling at me before I even understood what he was really asking me to do.

We had a meeting with a third party in June to discuss my chemo/telecommuting schedule. I have not had a conversation with him since. This is the man who is supposed to be my “buffer” with my “real” boss. But he told me years ago he doesn’t read any of that email anymore because he doesn’t understand it. I avoid him in the hallways now, because I don’t want him to think that he’s “supervising me” by smiling and grimacing as he passes.

Ah well I NEED THE BENEFITS. This is my mantra. Good thing I hadn’t gotten around to quitting to be a preschool sub with no insurance…….