unsent email

Dear Real Boss,

Why didn’t I do much work today? Because I feel like crap. Why did I come to work today?

1) I have no sick time left because I’m not allowed to make up my doctor’s appointments outside of the 8-4:30 timeframe. Unlike every single other employee in this department. How was your unscheduled telecommute day on Friday, by the way? I see you sent about 5 emails.

2) My Foster Boss told me that you said you have to be here, if I’m not here, and I wouldn’t want you to miss your unscheduled, not on the calendar vacation day just because I’ve had an almost intolerable rash for two weeks and didn’t get any sleep last night. Not that you or he knows that, or anything else about my life.

That is all,

Amanda

Now, I have

Now, I have a freakin’ itchy red rash on my neck and down my chest on the mastectomy scar. Argh!

Adding insult to injury… I don’t even want to talk about it!!!

Tee Vee on teh interweb

I have done almost nothing for days but watch tv on the internet. My husband is out of town and I have the sniffles. I don’t really feel like doing anything else, and I’ve discovered  hulu.com.

I watched all the “House” they have. That’s Hugh Laurie? Weird. I had no idea what that show was. Now I wish I could see the earlier ones for free on the internet.

I’ve seen all the Office episodes they have right now.  I watched hours of clips from earlier seasons too. I’ve seen all the recent 30 Rocks.

Eventually I settled down to 13 season’s worth of South Park. I skipped over Mister Hankie, I can’t abide Mister Hankie. Back in the day, I forced myself to watch even the grossest fried rat episodes of Beavis and Butthead, but Mister Hankie just pisses me off. Anyway I’m up to the second season and all my internal dialogue is now in Cartman’s voice.

In other news… I’m pretty much over cancer treatment side effects. I no longer have  “a wound” or “a burn”. I have… a very odd part of my body that is going to take some getting used to. I’m now the weirdest looking person I know. Also I have  an occasional phantom boob. This usually happens when I come upon a mirror without thinking, and my eye seems to fill in “boob” and then it’s a shock to see no boob, just a smiley face scar, on that side.

Also I have phantom hair. I’ll swing my head and expect to feel the weight of it. This seems to be happening more now that I have *some* hair.

Also… I am “waking up” from just barely getting through life. I’m waking up to see that this place is a disaster. I’m not a good housekeeper when I’m well. Things like the kitchen sink and tub are sort of broken, and the yard is a maze of pits and weeds.

Sigh. I need a nap.

work chat

We have a “work chat.” Everyone uses it differently. Many people use it differently on different days. Much effort appears to go into defeating any “timeclock” usage by some people.

For example, Bubba will go idle, drive home, and become active again, without logging off. Other days, he will log off the chat and hang around the building, making sure people see him. (Yes, I stalk his car. I don’t think they know that. I know Swell Guy’s car, too.)

Some people log in on Monday and stay “active” all week 24 hours a day. Some of Swell Guy’s staff still haven’t learned how to turn it on, at all. (They are called “computer operators”. They put paper in printers. They get to drive little golf carts around.)

Last year, when Swell Guy and I were fighting, before I got The Cancer, I had my status set to “doing something else, please leave a message.” Swell Guy chatted at me and asked if I was there, and said “you been afk all day”. I asked him about how he wanted me to use the chat, and gave a couple suggestions, involving what other people do. He got huffy and said something about my turning things into confrontations and threatened to “do something” about it. I said “never mind, I won’t ask for any more guidance, see you next time you need to ‘manage’ me.” So my stupid icon is always active when I’m at my desk and idle, when I’m not. Cause I’m special.

I also get on the work chat from home, which is how I know Swell Guy, the one who suddenly made me sign papers about my hours last year, starts work between 6:50 and 7:30.  Everyone thinks he comes in “really early” and they are not about to check up on how early, by coming in themselves. I think a few of his staff are in cahoots, and also don’t come in as early as they let on.   He goes home anytime between 1:30 and 3pm; this I can watch with my own eyes. And? He’s got 4.5 weeks marked “out of the office” in a row, soon.

Meanwhile, back at Bubba, my “real boss”… I have not been to his office in over 5 years. He gets regular deliveries for me, but he refuses to change the ship-to name, for some reason no one understands. He emails about them, and then usually brings them down, leans into my office, dumps them on my desk, mumbles something, and walks out. I usually just stare at him and there’s not much time for much else.

The last few years he has mostly quit trying to trick me into coming to his office. About every 8th delivery, which is about every 4 months, he will write “come by and pick them up or I’ll drop them off.” He did this again on Monday. I thought “one definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over, and expecting a different result.”

So, of course, I did nothing, just waited for him to deliver the stuff. He did not. Instead, 30 minutes later, he logged off the work chat. I saw him in the hall a few hours later but I was going on break and just continued out of the building.

The next day he stayed off the work chat all day, I think. I ignored the whole thing.

On Wednesday, he went idle around 11:30. At 1:30 pm his car was gone. He was still on the chat, just idle.

On Thursday, he emailed me about an additional delivery. He added it on to the previous email. About 5 minutes later, he showed up, dumped and left. I looked. It was only the new thing.

What could I do? Five minutes later, I emailed him “thanks for the new thing. I didn’t get the other stuff. I couldn’t find you in the office yesterday afternoon, please feel free to put it in my mailbox.” The mail goes to a list, which includes his boss and Swell Guy. I’m sure they don’t read it but I hope Bubba thinks they do.

Still haven’t seen the stuff. He was in the office all day Friday, but not on the chat, so if anyone asks, I’ll say I assumed he was working from home, again. Not that anyone ever asks. I make up these excuses for nothing. It’s insane.

Beginning to think of the future

I am sad for almost everyone in this post, but of course I am so sad for the children.

I have been looking into doing volunteer work with foster children (not being a foster family, but an advocate of some sort.) They ask you to commit to at least two years to take a child through the court process.

I asked my oncologist if I had any right to commit to that, to an already insecure child. We discussed the basic insecurities of life. Then she said “I see no reason why not.”

That’s big.

As for actually doing it, Pamajama’s post both makes me feel the need more strongly, and frightens me to death.

is it over yet?

Ow.

Also I’m tired of being greasy and I can’t keep my glasses clean.

Also did I mention ow?

Almost done though. Wish I could sleep for the next two weeks while my skin heals from the radiation.

How I need that music to fill me

Lost in the embrace…

Sensory Deprivation

Just a quick note about work.

As I’ve mentioned, no one really talks to me here. None of my bosses ever come by. I get deadlines and instructions indirectly through mail to our customers.

So, why is it every time someone goes idle on the “work chat” I think they are on their way over here? Why is it that I think they notice when I am sending emails and when I am not? Why do I think every time the phone rings, it is a test? Why, when I take 38.5 minutes for lunch instead of 30, do I think someone will notice?

Paranoia will destroy ya.

Focused

My evenings are now focused on rubbing lotion into my skin and trying to minimize the coating of the rest of the house, including mouse and keyboard. My days at work are spates of work between furtive applications.

This week, next week, and the week after, then radiation will be done.

They are about to switch something that will supposedly make it less irritating to the skin.

His female friends

I love the comments much more than my posts. A recent post had some interesting ones.

Let’s see if I can remember what I wanted to say. I’m so lamebrained lately.

My husband has lots of female friends. I don’t get along with very many of them. I told him it is because he is so oblivious to the obnoxious things they say, he is willing to be friends with them when they’ve driven off most other people.

But he’s not oblivious enough to get involved with them. He’s been friends with each of them for years, through times when he’s been single and each of them were. Either nothing happened, or he’s too embarrassed to admit it. Because now, about some of them, he says “there’s not enough Everclear in the world.” If he were single, I’d be grossed out if he hooked up with most of these women. (We are talking personality, not looks, although none of them are stunners.)

Both of the ladies I complained about in “Communication” live 8 or more hours away. He knows these friends mostly from Grateful Dead shows that they’ve seen together. He had not had much contact with them until we started going to a camping music festival. N lives near it and B has gone with us for the last two years.

N had a very long term boyfriend who died of a drunken stupidity a little over a year ago. I do enjoy her company a lot although she is somewhat negative about her friends. When her boyfriend died, I actually sent my husband on a plane to drive back with her, for a visit.

I have no illusions about what either my husband or I am capable of under stress,  given each of our histories. Also, I hear those stories about times of grief. So I did instruct him “no sex.” I don’t think that was a problem.

However, the car she claimed was “fine” at the start, kept catching on fire!!! on the trip. (WITH MY HUSBAND IN IT!!!) I repeatedly advised her to ditch the worthless car and fly home. Instead, she spent a lot of money on it and had to stay longer. By the time her trip was over, this was our fault. Sigh. This is according to her pattern. In her home town, she has bitched out her friends who were trying to help her to the point where they don’t do what they agreed to at all. (Well this is my theory of what I hear, anyway.)

B seems permanently single. I enjoyed her at first but she’s so freaking abrasive, and if you complain she says she’s joking. She bosses people around all the time and gives a disclaimer that you “just have to say no and suggest an alternative.” It’s very tiring. I’m practicing for the next time we see her, I’m going to constantly say “Hush. Just hush. I’m not joking around, just hush.”

B hooked up with someone the first year she went to the festival, a guy I’ve talked to there for years and really like. They live about 3 hours apart. Sometime over the next year, he was supposed to phone her. He called too late, after she’d already left town on business, and that was it, he’s done, she was no longer interested. Luckily they were able to be civil at the next year’s festival. He didn’t seem all that broken up over it, actually.

I don’t have very many friends and I don’t see them very much. I was going to say I don’t have many women friends but I’m not sure that is true any more. But they don’t like to talk on the phone either. (YES! I HAVE SUCCUMBED TO FACEBOOK!! and all of a sudden I have local friends again. But you can see why I need this anonymous blog too, because I could turn this nasty mouth on them next. )

My husband seems to be trying to turn these women into my friends. It’s possible he is trying to get *me* to listen to them talk on the phone. N is not so bad. B needs to talk about plans every single day for two months before our trip up there.

My husband has local women friends. T is another Grateful Dead fan and comes to that festival with us. She narrates constantly. (I think I used to do this and I’m sorry.) If no one is talking she just describes what she is doing or what is happening. She’s also a bit bossy. One time we went to a local camping festival. I was bored so I let her boss me around for a while, and we moved her camping equipment over here, back over there, for about an hour. The boys, who knew better, just watched as we tried to move the easy-up shade while it was still partially expanded in the bed of a truck it was not fitting into.

She’s okay but I can’t take that much of her. She calls and talks to my husband for hours. I don’t mind as long as she doesn’t try to talk to me, which she doesn’t. I truly do not worry about him and her. They had plenty of chances before I came along, and she likes younger, more athletic men, who she finds at concerts and flirts with. It’s fun to watch. She used to be a beauty, but we’re all getting old. Still, she has the moves for a quick flirt,  from years of practice.

T is fun sometimes. But she talks during the music which means I end up leaving my husband standing with her while I go WAY OVER THERE. Jeez, I’m not here to listen to you talk about how you flirted with the sound guy. To give her credit, T seems to have stopped trying to engage me in conversation during the music. This is one of my worst peeves, a sin, and I think he should tell her to be quiet but whatever… as long as I can get away.

There are few enough female Grateful Dead fans in the world that I’m trying to keep the peace with these. I told the husband, about B, “you made her think that I don’t like her. Which is really awkward” and I started talking very quietly, almost whispering “because I don’t like her.”

I emailed B that the husband and I were fighting about something that didn’t involve her, and I was sorry she got caught up in that. I have not heard back. I don’t know if he has. We have a trip planned with her in May; we’ll see if she cancels. N was supposed to go also, but I think she is cancelling due to travel costs… I’m torn between finding someone else, and having extra dancing space at the show. We already paid for the tickets after all

My husband did have a lot more local female friends when I met him. Most of them were barflies. When I met my husband he went to the bar most days. When he stopped coming for a while, some of the employees came to check on him. Two of these women in particular used to come over to the house all the time.

One of them, C, was just horrible. I’m having trouble remembering exactly how, because I ran her off almost completely, years ago, by bitching my husband out horribly every time I had to be subjected to her. Maybe she also noticed I hate her. I don’t know. She has a boyfriend for the last several years and we have not heard much from her, but she called for computer help the other day.

Let’s see what I can remember… Oh, she went on disability because she knocked on a door wrong, so as not to scuff her new nail polish, and hurt her little hand. She was a total drunk, on Miller Lite, every day. She would repeat herself endlessly when drunk.

One time I went to her condo to help her with her computer. She gave me this drunken show… she said “don’t ever swear at a man, because once you open that door…” At this point she takes her bathroom pocket door, and slides it open dramatically. “you can’t close it again.” She closes the door dramatically. She did this at least 7 times in a row.

She had glamour shots of herself lining the stairway in her condo. She looks like a drunken white trash Liz Taylor (skinny version.)

I think one of the turning points was when she phoned, on something like our anniversary, and wanted to come stay over because she had a fight with her boyfriend, and his condo is in the same building. AND HE SAID YES. Oh my god the fight we had.

I don’t remember her ever flirting with him, but she did tease some single guy and then accuse him of something or other.

So yeah, I ran C off. The other one was L. I liked her a lot, actually. She was fun to party with, and we partied way too much back then. She liked good music.

Back then people used to come here to drink. Often, and a lot. L used to come over and do things like sit on my husband’s lap (he was then my boyfriend of less than a year). I was not worried. I really didn’t see him getting involved with her. So I used to just take a picture. I think this made her mad. After a while she started claiming that she could not come around, because of me, which was just plain not true.

Then, when I was working for my husband’s business, she told some people we know online that I “fucked for food.” So… pretty much that was done. He talked to her from time to time but kept a distance. I don’t think we have heard about her for years. She also seems permanently single. She has one friend who is incredibly nice, and loyal, and will do anything she says. She told us she won’t get involved with him because he is “too short” (He really is short.) That also put me off of her…

My husband has one more local female friend that comes to mind. They are concert and brewing buddies. Her husband does not “get” live music. She’s sweet, I love her. I like her husband, too. He is really loud but he says the things I’m thinking, about politics, and such. I wish we saw more of them. But not enough to pick up the phone. Maybe in the spring time… They live nearby and we used to drink a lot together, but now we are all old and go to bed early.

I can’t think of an ending for this post so kthxbai